Trump on the classics…

The New Yorker has a great list of imagined Tweets by Donald Trump on literary classics:

Weak Hamlet should stop moaning about past and get on with his life. All talk, no action! King Claudius has my full support.

Successful businessmen should be left alone by boring ghosts and sad employees. Bob Cratchit is a loser. No enthusiasm! Also . . .

No one is saying Owl and Pussycat can’t be together, just don’t rub it in our face. And the boat is an embarrassment!

Wolf well within rights to evict disgusting pigs from below-code structures.

Read the full list here.

Pub garden aphorisms…

  1. An honest man has few friends.
  2. A married man has little opportunity for honesty.
  3. Whether the glass is half-empty or half-full,the man who doesn’t drink has little perspective on life, his experience being entirely empty!
  4. He who has seen the majesty of the pyramids at Giza may not have seen the sublime beauty of the street lights reflected in the duck pond next to the Queen’s Head pub in Chislehurst.
  5. The next drink holds more real promise than the breasts of the most buxom barmaid (adapt as befitting your own sexual orientation).
  6. The sins of the pub garden are more real than those of the Garden of Eden.
  7. A bird in the hand is a rarity over the age of 45!
  8. Th eighth aphorism in any list is always the most difficult to compose.
  9. A mirage is not to be trusted, unless it’s the Mirage 2 Diner in Chislehurst, in which case the food is great.
  10. Don’t compose lists while under the influence of alcohol.

Composed on Christmas Eve 2016.